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03 February 2009 @ 04:30 pm
CSI:NY fic: At Night  
Title: At Night
Fandom: CSI:NY
Pairing/Characters: Mac (Mac/Stella imagined)
Rating: R
Word Count: 389
Spoilers: n/a
Summary: It’s not Stella he really wants. Deep down, he knows that.

At Night

It’s not Stella he really wants. Deep down, he knows that. He fantasizes about her sometimes, because she’s a beautiful woman and because it’s been a long time and after all, he’s only a man. Her hands on his body, the scent of her skin in his bed….Sex with her would be, well…he can’t come up with an adjective for that one. He’s never been the poetic type.

He imagines her in his bed—it’s always in his bed, because he can’t shake the thought of Frankie whenever he thinks of her place—underneath him. Her shirt’s off, his is un-tucked, and he’s missing his jacket and shoes. Sometimes, because he’s a realistic sort of man, he imagines them coming together after a hard case, finding comfort in each other. It’s possible, in another life.

Then he feels guilty for using her because she’s his co-worker, he’s her boss, and he knows the only reason he thinks about it is out of some misplaced sense of loyalty that comes from being friends for fifteen years. The sex would be good, and the morning after would be fine—after fifteen years it’s not like they’re teenagers, after all—but in the long run he knows they would never even get off the ground. She needs someone who’s more adventurous. He needs someone stable. It would work, in a platonic sort of way, but he knows it wouldn’t be fair to her.

The trouble is, she’s the only woman in his life. The only one who knows him, anyway. He’s not the kind to jump into a relationship with someone he’s barely met. It’s not his style. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, he tells Stella when she encourages him to date more. He needs someone who understands him and his work, someone who understands about his life with Claire. A friend.

He’s too old to start making those kinds of friends now, too reserved to be able to share the kinds of things he needs his someone to understand overnight. He’s had his shot at true love; he’s too old for that now. Too old, too socially ineffective.

So even though it’s not Stella he wants, sometimes, laying in bed at night, it’s Stella he fantasizes about. And that’s okay, because he’s allowed to be human sometimes, too.